


Coping Mechanisms

by dametokillfor



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 02:28:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13672374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dametokillfor/pseuds/dametokillfor
Summary: This is unhealthy, and they both know it.Still as Ash kisses down her throat, and pins her arms over her head, she can’t think of anything better. She knows he’s not thinking about her, he knows she’s not thinking of him, but it works for them.---In which Ash and Kat both miss their Gabriel, make bad choices, and maybe find a little comfort.





	Coping Mechanisms

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclaimer, I hate writing smut and I haven't written any M/F smut for about ten years. However once this idea got into my head, it wouldn't leave til I wrote it. 
> 
> Inspired by conversations with [Sal](http://life-on-the-geek-side.tumblr.com/), who encourages my obsession with these three, and doesn't tell me to shut up when I scream BUT WHAT IF followed by a stream of mad shit. 
> 
> Again, hate writing smut, very sorry.

This is unhealthy, and they both know it.

Still as Ash kisses down her throat, and pins her arms over her head, she can’t think of anything better. She knows he’s not thinking about her, he knows she’s not thinking of him, but it works for them.

Kat should know better, she’s older, wiser, an admiral, a _psychiatrist_. She should know these dalliances are foolish, but she’s heartbroken and angry, and Tyler is the only one who even remotely understands.

The crew, they may have been taken in by Lorca’s slick attitude, but they hadn’t seen the Lorca that she and Ash had. They knew the Captain, they hadn’t seen _Gabriel_.

They didn’t know about his soft words, how his fingers would trace your jaw before he leaned in to kiss you for the first time, how he could set your whole body on fire with that sweet smile only you got to see.

Of course, to a certain extent, neither she nor Ash really know one another’s Gabriel. Ash’s was harder, rougher. He treated Kat like a one night stand, like their connection from years before was nothing. (She supposes to him it wasn’t). Kat’s was more wistful, romantic, warmer. He was still a bastard, but their rare intimate moments were more real.

They rarely talk about him, never talk about how they’re feeling, or how they’ve got into this position. The first night, Kat had come to talk to him about their common bereavement, to see how he was doing having lost himself and his lover in the space of a matter of days. She’d shed her icy persona at the sight of his red eyes, his messy hair, his pale complexion and for some reason had just pulled him close to her, with a soft _oh Tyler_ . He’d cried into her shoulder, and she thinks she’d cried as well just for a moment. He’d pulled back and they’d spent that moment, just staring at each other before Ash had moved in and kissed her. She’d wanted to pull away, she _should_ have pulled away, but he was so desperate and _fuck_ , so was she. He made her feel alive as he’d gone down on her, before fucking her against the wall of his quarters. Neither of them had called the right name.

Ash continues his path down her body now, kissing across her stomach, dragging his bearded jaw the same way. Kat’s mind is a million miles away, memories of the last night she and Gabriel had really thought they could have been something special.

Gabriel had taken her apart so beautifully, whispered that rare _I love you_ against her lips and promised her the world. He was about to be assigned to his first ship, she had just returned to Terra on shore leave while her ship was undergoing repairs. It was in his shitty apartment, on his broken bed, with his roommate’s cat watching, but it couldn’t have been much more perfect. He’d asked her to marry him, told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She’d said yes, and for a blissful twenty minutes, they’d been engaged until reality had sunk in. Gabriel had only asked because he’d been afraid, he didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know if he could handle life in space. He’d proposed because Starfleet wouldn’t split up a married couple, because Kat could have been at his side every step of the way, so he wouldn’t have to live his own life. He could have lived in her shadow, and never had to reach for anything. She’d kissed him, and told him she loved him, but he needed to do this for himself. Kat had slipped out of his bed and for the past 35 years had wondered if she’d made the right choice.

She and Gabriel would have killed each other. Their relationship was best left as rare moments of intimacy, and hours of delicious bickering. They’d never have lasted in anything so mundane as a marriage. That wasn’t who they were.

As Ash’s hand dips between her thighs, and her mind is supposed to be on his fingers teasing at her folds, she wonders if that’s who he was with Ash. Who Mirror Gabriel was with Ash.

Did he tell Ash he loved him? Did he promise him the world? Or did he just fuck him? (Ash’s thumb circles her clit, as his fingers slip inside her). Did Gabriel pin Ash to the bed, and fuck him hard? Did he even care for him, or did he care for a tight hole and a warm body? (He brushes against her spot, and despite her wandering mind, a moan comes out). She somehow finds it easier to believe it was less than love. She hates the idea that Ash had with his Mirror what Kat and her Gabriel could never truly find.

And yet she thinks she knows different. When Ash had fucked her, had all but sobbed _Gabriel_ into her shoulder, it wasn’t the sound of a man who’d lost a fuck, but a man who’d lost his heart. Did the Mirror really love Ash? Had his cold heart been softened by this _boy_ ? (Christ, Ash wasn’t even _alive_ when Gabriel had proposed). But then he wasn’t a boy, he wasn’t even a human, not really, and could the Mirror ever really have loved something he spent so much of his life fighting?

She knows the thought plays on Ash’s mind as much as it does on her own, but she can’t bring it up. To bring it up would mean they had to talk, and if they did that, then this would… this couldn’t happen. (Ash kisses her mouth as he pulls his fingers free, and slips his cock inside her. His beard is a remind he isn’t Gabriel, just as her feminine form is a reminder she isn’t to him.)

Ash does offer the odd story of Gabriel from time to time. How their first kiss was after Mudd had killed them again and again and he just had to know he was still there. How Gabriel had avoided him for days after, before they’d bumped into each other on the observation deck, just looked at each other and _known_. How he loved the peach cobbler in the mess hall, and Ash always snuck it to him when he’d had a shitty day. Kat in turn shares as little as possible. She loved Gabriel, they didn’t work, he felt like a traitor for growing up in Georgia and hating peaches.

Ash fakes things the way he always does, if only for a moment. He calls her name as he moves into her. He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself he wants her. He’s sloppy, there’s no finesse, and nobody is going to get what they want like this. She tells him not to lie, as she nips at his ear and tries to coax him into giving her what they both need.

She moans _Gabriel_ in his ear, for him, for herself. Her name spills forth again, through gritted teeth and a hand moves to her breast, fumbling, groping, like an inexperienced teenage boy. She takes the hand in her own, and pulls it away. He’s a mess, and it’s horrible, and it’s not what she wants.

She cries it again, theatrical, a fake cry of pleasure to spur him on, “Fuck me, _Gabriel_.”

And something clicks in him. He stills, and his dark eyes bore into her, and there’s a moment where she worries that Voq has awoken, that Ash is… gone.

“Gabriel.” He repeats.

He pulls free from her and whispers, loud enough to hear, but not enough to break the thick silence in the room, “All fours.”

It’s better this way, she thinks, up on her hands and knees, as Ash kisses the back of her neck before pushing back in. Ash is rougher now, yet more precise. Kat can almost hear him thinking about his Gabriel, not that she can judge. This is how his Gabriel had taken her, impersonal, rough, hard. She should have known then.

Was he thinking of Ash? Even then, after just a week, was Ash on his mind? Or was he imagining his own Kat? Did he even have a Kat? Or was she a non-entity to him?

He’s repeating Gabriel’s name like a mantra, and Kat remembers again just how fucked up this is. There’s a goddamn boy pawing away at her, while imagining their dead lover, dead _lovers_ and this isn’t _fucking fair_. She’s not getting off tonight, not like this.

Ash’s fingers dig tighter into a hip, as the other hand reaches to tease her clit. The tender flesh tingles, but there’s no real pleasure in it.

She wants to know what Ash is seeing, what’s on his mind. Is he thinking about what they could have had? Is he thinking about their last moments together? (Ash told her he’d stolen a kiss in front of Michael, in front of everyone in the transporter room with no shame, as if he’d known it was going to be the last time. He’d held his lovers face, and told him that he loved him, no matter what. Gabriel hadn’t said it back.) Is he imagining a world with Gabriel he could never have? Or is he just dreaming of him being alive again? Just one final smile, one final laugh, one final brush of the fingers, a last _Kitty Kat_.

As a wave of nausea rolls through her, at the realisation she’s never going to hear the stupid nickname again. She can feel Ash tensing as he reaches his release, and comes with a scream of “fuck, _Gabriel!”_ and at least someone has got something out of tonight.

He pulls himself free of her and flops on the bed beside her. She pushes herself to her knees, and sits back for a moment, lost in the sudden grief that’s hit her. She wants to cry, she wants to vomit, she wants to get out of there, she wants to stop everything. A hand finds it’s way to her thigh, and she looks over to see Ash, sat up by her, wide eyed and concerned.

“ _Katrina._ ”

She never calls him Kat, that was Gabriel’s name and he knows it, even without being told. She doesn’t realise she’s crying until he pulls her into his arms, and holds her close.

Her grief has been pushed aside to deal with when she’s been alone, five minute intervals she’s allowed herself here and there to be angry and sad and hurt. She’s an Admiral, she can’t afford personal days, can’t afford to lose herself in this pain.

Ash holds her to his chest, hand running through her hair and whispers _I know, Katrina, I know_. Her hands come up to grab his arms as the sobs tear through her body and she finally, finally lets herself feel everything she’s been fighting for the past few days.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been crying, they’ve been crying when they finally lay down together. Ash pulls her close to his chest, and kisses her head, and before long, they fall together into a dreamless sleep.

(When they wake in one another’s arms the next morning, Ash gives her the release she never found the night before and neither of them call out for Gabriel. She thinks maybe they both finally know he won’t answer.)

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [Tumblr](http://kat-cornwell.tumblr.com)


End file.
